Must revert to my old self.
"Our personalities are heavily influenced by the enviroment that we live and activate in." I can't say that this statement applies to everyone. Some people seem to have a stronger sense of self, with their traits and characteristics held constant despite the drastic changes in their living environment. But it sure as hell applies to me. After the 5th episode of being in the reality show of courtship, it has finally dawned upon me that when I flew for home from Melbourne, I forgot to pack many of my traits and characteristics that made me so abled and competent back there.
When I bump into someone, I'd use to ask "How's life?", and a decent conversation would ensue. Now, I'd just say "Hi" and then have a hard time of thinking about what to say. Despite it being such a simple habit that made me fairly likable and fairly popular in the University of Melbourne, I left that and many other simple social skills behind in my apartment on Flinders Street. Skills that gave me the pleasure of greeting every 10th person that walks by me in the city because they happen to be an aquantance. Skills that enabled me to get on the guestlist of any damned asian club. Skills that gave me the success of running my very own Mambo night. All these.... just don't seem to be with me anymore.
5 weekends, already 5 weekends on the show, and I haven't even managed to hold a decent conversation with any of the girls that lasted at least 30 minutes. I don't know why the hell I am still not eliminated. The other guys seem to have their words flowing like champagne by just being themselves while I am still having trouble with just being Derrick. Before something is released from my mouth, I'll think it ten times over. "Hmm... what will she think if I said that? Will she like me more? Like me less? Is that lame? Will she feel insulted?" Even out of the show, questions like "What kind of image will I project if I said that? Will I look cool? Will that make the persons day any better? Am I smilling right?", before I say even the simplest of things.
And those are just the basics. What about my sense of humour? It seems to have gone completely down the drain!!! I am not a fucking funny person anymore! I could have been a comedian back there. Now? Even my dad is funnier than me!!! I used to not give a shit whether people laughed or not. Some were lame, but many actually made people crack up. God damned I miss the feeling of making all of my friends laugh. Its just so hard for it to happen when I am over here. Over here, I seem to find myself being in the postion of a laugher more than a joker. My mind just doesn't seem to be as fluid as it used to. I could just put one and one together and get a crack out of people. But currently, I don't know how to put one and one together anymore.
After writting the third paragraph, I realize that one of the main problems is that the internal dialogue within my head is too long. Heck, its not an internal dialogue... its a freakin' internal debate! Worse than a Republican and a Democrat having coffee! I think too much, analyze too much, which cancels out all the sponteneous juices from flowing. And why do I think so much? Probably because I have too big a longing for social approval. Need to be liked too much. Typical Leo trait. Yes, blame it on my star sign. I gotta learn how to be a bad guy and appreciate it. Appreciate that always trying to be Mr. Popular is hazardous for health. I also have to stop reading books on "How to make people like you" when my own personality will suffice.
This is somewhat similar to an injury. An injury to the personality. The ligaments of my "self" is torn. It needs to be bandaged, then it needs recovering and rehabilitation. But there will be no therapist for me. So I'm gonna take one baby step at the time, starting with thinking less.
